Ok, so where do I draw the line around the water cooler? When do I unleash my feminist rage and when do I have to just let it go as the joke that I know it was?
I work in a male dominated office and have a good relationship with all my guys. Today, a few of them overheard a female coworker telling me about Oakland Raiders’ coach, Tom Cable, saying that he had only hit is ex-wife with an “open hand”. I was surprised by their joking attitude. They knew, and I knew, that part of it was a goad to get me going. Still, laughing and telling me “well, I never hit my wife, but sometimes she needs a good shaking” seemed to cross that line. They were riffing on a Chris Rock bit where he had a similar punch line (pun intended). Is it funny though? I just stood there, mute and stunned. I couldn’t think of anything to say. Should I joke about giving my husband a black eye? Should I tell them it was offensive? I debated in silence until they moved on.
The more I think about it, the less funny it seems. While I know that they meant nothing by it, it makes me see them in a different light. It disappoints me that they didn’t know that the joke wasn’t funny.
That’s a toxic work environment. You aren’t overreacting. Unfortunately, if you complain, your co-workers will consider you no longer part of the water cooler group, or they may retaliate in other ways (think the Friends episode in which Rachel doesn’t get to be part of any projects, because everything happens during the smoke break on the rooftop).
Basically (and unfortunately) you have to decide whether you want to:
1. Raise a stink about it and possibly change your workplace while having your life be made more miserable in the process
2. Just put up with it
3. Switch jobs